Sometimes “No” Is Not Enough

While all children can be whiny at times, yielding to this behavior can set the stage for strong-willed children to test their boundaries. Learn how to teach your child that whining and pestering don’t work and how to respond appropriately when she doesn’t get her way.

Even well-behaved children may find it hard to deal with the frustration of not getting what they want, which can lead to whining and pestering behaviors. It is important for parents to understand that giving in to these verbal temper tantrums can open the door for a child to continue negative behaviors.

The parent’s job is to teach the child that whining and pestering never work, that you don’t change your mind, that your decisions are fair and that no means no. Children should gradually learn to accept limits and realize their parents have their best interests in mind. While they have certain needs that should always be met — such as love, shelter, food and clothing — they must learn that their wants are secondary and may not always be granted.

When Your Child Whines

To set boundaries for your children to help them understand that whining and pestering will not help them achieve their goals, consider the following:

• Create a “no whining” rule. Ask children to speak in a normal voice and let them know that whining is not allowed. For example, if your child starts to whine, you can respond by saying, “No whining in our house”; “I can’t understand you when you use your whiny voice”; “Please use your polite voice.”
• Be understanding. Tell children “no” in a calm voice. For example, if your child wants another snack, explain that you understand but she needs to save room for dinner.
• Keep explanations brief. Trying to reason with a child before age five gives the child hope that you will give in if he or she keeps trying. Instead of offering reasons, you can say, “No means no”; “I’m finished talking about it.” For school-aged children, you can listen to their requests and firmly respond that you understand their side but you are not giving in.
• Provide other options. Try to stop nagging behavior by suggesting your son or daughter read a book, play a game or go outside.
• Ignore ongoing whining. If the behavior continues, sometimes the best thing you can do is walk away and refuse to further discuss the topic with your child.
• Have a last resort. Implement a quiet time or time-out to help your child gain control of her emotions. Let her know she can come back when she feels better.

All children will experience a pestering phase. Establish clear expectations, and as children learn that whining is unacceptable, praise them when they begin to accept your decisions without arguing or complaining.

Written by Barton D. Schmitt, MD. Revised December 2008.

Barton Schmitt, MD, FAAP, is a board-certified pediatrician at The Children’s Hospital. He has been practicing medicine for 40 years and has received two distinguished awards from the American Academy of Pediatrics, including the Child Development Award in 1994, followed by the education award in 2004. A father of four and grandfather of eight, he most recently completed the third edition of Your Child’s Health, now available in bookstores.